I am fairly exhausted, so I will make this brief. This is my final night on the road. By tomorrow evening, I will be in Virginia, starting a completely new chapter in my journey across the continent. Although I am sometimes close to being overwhelmed by my self doubt and insecurities, my small failures and my lapses in judgement, I will continue to take comfort in two things.
First, even when I fall hard, God has said it's alright to stand back up again, and even gives a hand up.
Second, I have a wonderful girl who supports me and believes in me. And more importantly, who will love me even when I fall, so that I am not afraid to sometimes take risks and try new things. Even when they don't work out, she cheers me on, either to try again or try the next thing. And for that, I am grateful both to her and to God for creating her.
Actually, there's a third group I want to be thankful to. I want to thank all my friends who have supported me and challenged me on my spiritual walk. I love you all, too.
Anyhow, I guess it really is true. One journey's end is another's beginning.
Sincerely cliched,
RRK
Monday, April 28, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
The marks we leave on each other
Today my brother and I got matching tatoos in the center of of backs of celtic shield knots. I'll put up some pictures later.
But, it got me thinking about the marks we leave on each other. These tattoos symbolize a connection between my brother and I which would exist with or without the tattoos. They were more of an affirmation of something true than the creation of something new.
When we touch each others lives, we change each other. We can even give each other hope. Hope that we are not alien to everybody around us. I just wrote about how the ways we love each other can change us for the better, so I won't go too deeply into this. But, I think that it is important to remember that we are not alone or separate from each other, even when the distance between our bodies seems great. Often, our souls still touch, and our relationships leave an imprint which marks us far deeper than skin level.
And so, because my brother and I shared a common childhood and faced common obstacles (and still do) we will always have common cause with each other. And even when we part from each other, we are never abandoned. We both have still existed, and that means I am not a complete stranger in this world.
I feel that way about K. too. I don't really want "matching" tattoos with her, but I saw a few bird tattoos which our artist had done, and it made me want to mark my body with a bluebird whose silent, joyful song would reflect the bluebird which K.'s love has birthed within my heart, whose beautiful melody cheers me even when I'm sad. She said there is no home where I am not, and I know there is no home where she is not. But, she is ever in my heart, and I hope I am always in hers. And there, in that imprint, in that unbreakable but thread-thin connection, I feel like I am more at home wherever I am in this world than I have ever been before I was with her. So, I take comfort in that fact until I can return to my true home, the warm embrace of my love's arms. I take comfort, and I consider marking myself with a little bluebird to keep me company on the long road home.
But, it got me thinking about the marks we leave on each other. These tattoos symbolize a connection between my brother and I which would exist with or without the tattoos. They were more of an affirmation of something true than the creation of something new.
When we touch each others lives, we change each other. We can even give each other hope. Hope that we are not alien to everybody around us. I just wrote about how the ways we love each other can change us for the better, so I won't go too deeply into this. But, I think that it is important to remember that we are not alone or separate from each other, even when the distance between our bodies seems great. Often, our souls still touch, and our relationships leave an imprint which marks us far deeper than skin level.
And so, because my brother and I shared a common childhood and faced common obstacles (and still do) we will always have common cause with each other. And even when we part from each other, we are never abandoned. We both have still existed, and that means I am not a complete stranger in this world.
I feel that way about K. too. I don't really want "matching" tattoos with her, but I saw a few bird tattoos which our artist had done, and it made me want to mark my body with a bluebird whose silent, joyful song would reflect the bluebird which K.'s love has birthed within my heart, whose beautiful melody cheers me even when I'm sad. She said there is no home where I am not, and I know there is no home where she is not. But, she is ever in my heart, and I hope I am always in hers. And there, in that imprint, in that unbreakable but thread-thin connection, I feel like I am more at home wherever I am in this world than I have ever been before I was with her. So, I take comfort in that fact until I can return to my true home, the warm embrace of my love's arms. I take comfort, and I consider marking myself with a little bluebird to keep me company on the long road home.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Love makes us better than we are
My brother drinks too much. Far too much. I am often upset by his regular blackouts and his excessive tendencies. However, I am only upset because I care about his wellbeing and his behavior concerns me. If I did not love him, I would not feel such terror when I watch him stumble to the dance floor, completely devoid of his senses. I would not actually try to decipher his nonsensical sentences muttered from the passenger seat as I drive him home from yet another night of him drinking alone at a bar while I sit and watch on as he slowly departs from planet Earth. I would not dread the possibility that something serious might happen to him during one of his binges, and that I would be left wondering what more I could have done to save him from himself.
He has his reasons, and he certainly has chosen a career path which I would never have been able to handle. I have nothing but respect for his decision to serve his fellow countrymen by committing himself to military service, but I fear that it is not the best place for him to overcome the obstacles to a healthy life which we both share. I certainly will not judge him. The same tendencies toward excess flow through my veins, and the same traumas haunt my soul. I feel the beast inside of me clawing to get out. In every moment, there is the potential for almost every vice and every virtue beating from my heart. And, in my day, I certainly have indulged in my share of both. In that sense, we are equally criminals, just as we are equally redeemed.
I must repeat, it is only my love for him which drives me to feel, irrationally, that he could be better than he is. Perhaps more importantly, love drives me to believe he could be better than I am. Sometimes it is all I can do to resist doing wrong. I very rarely find the strength to truly do anything good.
If anything has changed me for the better, I must credit love once more. My love for K. has driven me to desire to be a better man for more than eight years. In the past year, I have been lucky enough to share in a relationship with her, and she challenges me constantly to keep my focus on what is right and true, not only what is expedient. Because of her, I have not despaired, even when I felt tempted to indulge in such emotional debauchery. Because she exists, I know I am not alone in this world. I have found a few other souls who share such common cause with my heart, like N., and G. But K. has certainly been my closest and dearest friend for as long as I can remember being a man, if any of you should suffer to consider me one at all.
Without her companionship keeping my mind, body, and soul firmly rooted in reality, I may never have believed that love existed at all. I may have believed, as my brother does, that we should not care for anything or anyone (except, perhaps, for family). That nothing matters, and that life has no meaning.
My debt to K. for teaching me to believe in love is important for one reason. If I would have never believed in love, I could never have believed in God, or understood the wisdom which Christ brought to man. His message is more than the golden rule. His ministry describes the existence of an absolute Good, of a single Creator, of a world that is not mere chaos and chance. My love for God who is Good, more than any other love in my life, makes me desire to be a good man. I hope I would have sought this love without K., but I cannot know for sure. And so, I am eternally grateful to her, simply for existing exactly as she is, so that I could love her.
Before I decided that Christ perfectly embodied what is Good for man, before I believed in God, my belief in love's transformative power made me believe that absolute Good must exist in the Universe. I believed in order. I believed in a life that could have true meaning. Through countless discussions and contemplations and self reflections, I have come to believe that Good and Christ are synonymous, as far as mankind is concerned. For this reason, I believe in the one true God which he extolled, and I consider myself a Christian.
If I did not love and believe in a Good and perfect God, I would not want to be anything different than what I am. I would not believe that there was anything better than what I am. I would have no other standard to hold myself to than my own whims. Where would another standard come from? And yet, even by making my own impulses my moral standard, I would not be able to love what I am, or what any other human is. We are faithless, we are selfish. We are terrible. Not always, true. But our occasional transgressions are enough to make us hateful creatures.
But I do believe in a Good and perfect God. I believe that man is called to be better than we are, and that each man knows it in his heart when he does wrong. We can become very good at ignoring our own conscience, but it never dies. I believe that a perfect example of man's purpose in this world is not only found in Christ's life, but deeply tied to the entire story of his coming and his sacrifice. I do not feel that knowledge of his life is essential to communion with God, but I believe there is no better start.
However, I also believe that there is no historical or fictional character more sorely abused for evil purposes than Christ. In my opinion, to believe in Christ without constantly trying to better understand his example of mankind's purpose is to have no faith at all. If you only ask "what do I have to do to be saved?", then you will be vulnerable to the worst deceoptions. Fear of damnation can help us control our actions, but it cannot help us to better understand our role in this life. Fear will inevitably be abused by church officials and religious rabble rousers to convince mobs of terrified 'believers' that they must commit some awful crime to ensure their salvation. I hope none of you ever finds yourself so awfully deceived.
Instead, as K. often says to me, let us ask ourselves what would make us pleasing to God. We should not ask this out of a desire to avoid a terrible smiting, but instead because we love God, and desire his love in return. Thankfully, it is not perfection that is asked of us, but only a desire to serve our Good and Beautiful creator.
And yes, the serving part is pretty essential to our purpose. We are not called to judge, or to enact God's wrath upon those who do not love God as we do. Instead, we are called to serve them, and love them. We are called to give of ourselves, and never to take from another what they have not given to us freely.
If love is the only force in this world that can transform us for the better, than our love for God and God's love for us are the only forces that can actually save us from ourselves. No other love is perfect enough to offer that kind of forgiveness. I am only thankful that it is freely given. We will all stumble and fail, but God is steady. God has faith when we are faithless.
May I always strive to be worthy of His love. And when I falter, may Christ raise me from the death of my disobedient heart, as he raised Lazarus to walk again, upright and clean. May I keep my faith close to my heart and soul, but never closed in. And most importantly, may I find the strength to love those around me as best as I know how without wearing myself down, so that anyone who opens his eyes in darkness in search of light might see God's work on me and find hope.
And even as I pray these things, know this. If these wishes express the best and most earnest yearnings of my heart, you will also hear the most terrible cries of my excessive nature and the most insidious whispers of my nagging doubt throughout the coming months. Although the best and worst of voices all still flourish inside my breast, I declare, now and forever, that I do not have to succumb to my baser self. As I said before, every moment of my life contains the potential for every vice and every virtue, but there is also a choice in each of these moments, and that choice remains mine alone.
With love and hope for all my brothers and sisters, believing and unbelieving,
R.R.K.
He has his reasons, and he certainly has chosen a career path which I would never have been able to handle. I have nothing but respect for his decision to serve his fellow countrymen by committing himself to military service, but I fear that it is not the best place for him to overcome the obstacles to a healthy life which we both share. I certainly will not judge him. The same tendencies toward excess flow through my veins, and the same traumas haunt my soul. I feel the beast inside of me clawing to get out. In every moment, there is the potential for almost every vice and every virtue beating from my heart. And, in my day, I certainly have indulged in my share of both. In that sense, we are equally criminals, just as we are equally redeemed.
I must repeat, it is only my love for him which drives me to feel, irrationally, that he could be better than he is. Perhaps more importantly, love drives me to believe he could be better than I am. Sometimes it is all I can do to resist doing wrong. I very rarely find the strength to truly do anything good.
If anything has changed me for the better, I must credit love once more. My love for K. has driven me to desire to be a better man for more than eight years. In the past year, I have been lucky enough to share in a relationship with her, and she challenges me constantly to keep my focus on what is right and true, not only what is expedient. Because of her, I have not despaired, even when I felt tempted to indulge in such emotional debauchery. Because she exists, I know I am not alone in this world. I have found a few other souls who share such common cause with my heart, like N., and G. But K. has certainly been my closest and dearest friend for as long as I can remember being a man, if any of you should suffer to consider me one at all.
Without her companionship keeping my mind, body, and soul firmly rooted in reality, I may never have believed that love existed at all. I may have believed, as my brother does, that we should not care for anything or anyone (except, perhaps, for family). That nothing matters, and that life has no meaning.
My debt to K. for teaching me to believe in love is important for one reason. If I would have never believed in love, I could never have believed in God, or understood the wisdom which Christ brought to man. His message is more than the golden rule. His ministry describes the existence of an absolute Good, of a single Creator, of a world that is not mere chaos and chance. My love for God who is Good, more than any other love in my life, makes me desire to be a good man. I hope I would have sought this love without K., but I cannot know for sure. And so, I am eternally grateful to her, simply for existing exactly as she is, so that I could love her.
Before I decided that Christ perfectly embodied what is Good for man, before I believed in God, my belief in love's transformative power made me believe that absolute Good must exist in the Universe. I believed in order. I believed in a life that could have true meaning. Through countless discussions and contemplations and self reflections, I have come to believe that Good and Christ are synonymous, as far as mankind is concerned. For this reason, I believe in the one true God which he extolled, and I consider myself a Christian.
If I did not love and believe in a Good and perfect God, I would not want to be anything different than what I am. I would not believe that there was anything better than what I am. I would have no other standard to hold myself to than my own whims. Where would another standard come from? And yet, even by making my own impulses my moral standard, I would not be able to love what I am, or what any other human is. We are faithless, we are selfish. We are terrible. Not always, true. But our occasional transgressions are enough to make us hateful creatures.
But I do believe in a Good and perfect God. I believe that man is called to be better than we are, and that each man knows it in his heart when he does wrong. We can become very good at ignoring our own conscience, but it never dies. I believe that a perfect example of man's purpose in this world is not only found in Christ's life, but deeply tied to the entire story of his coming and his sacrifice. I do not feel that knowledge of his life is essential to communion with God, but I believe there is no better start.
However, I also believe that there is no historical or fictional character more sorely abused for evil purposes than Christ. In my opinion, to believe in Christ without constantly trying to better understand his example of mankind's purpose is to have no faith at all. If you only ask "what do I have to do to be saved?", then you will be vulnerable to the worst deceoptions. Fear of damnation can help us control our actions, but it cannot help us to better understand our role in this life. Fear will inevitably be abused by church officials and religious rabble rousers to convince mobs of terrified 'believers' that they must commit some awful crime to ensure their salvation. I hope none of you ever finds yourself so awfully deceived.
Instead, as K. often says to me, let us ask ourselves what would make us pleasing to God. We should not ask this out of a desire to avoid a terrible smiting, but instead because we love God, and desire his love in return. Thankfully, it is not perfection that is asked of us, but only a desire to serve our Good and Beautiful creator.
And yes, the serving part is pretty essential to our purpose. We are not called to judge, or to enact God's wrath upon those who do not love God as we do. Instead, we are called to serve them, and love them. We are called to give of ourselves, and never to take from another what they have not given to us freely.
If love is the only force in this world that can transform us for the better, than our love for God and God's love for us are the only forces that can actually save us from ourselves. No other love is perfect enough to offer that kind of forgiveness. I am only thankful that it is freely given. We will all stumble and fail, but God is steady. God has faith when we are faithless.
May I always strive to be worthy of His love. And when I falter, may Christ raise me from the death of my disobedient heart, as he raised Lazarus to walk again, upright and clean. May I keep my faith close to my heart and soul, but never closed in. And most importantly, may I find the strength to love those around me as best as I know how without wearing myself down, so that anyone who opens his eyes in darkness in search of light might see God's work on me and find hope.
And even as I pray these things, know this. If these wishes express the best and most earnest yearnings of my heart, you will also hear the most terrible cries of my excessive nature and the most insidious whispers of my nagging doubt throughout the coming months. Although the best and worst of voices all still flourish inside my breast, I declare, now and forever, that I do not have to succumb to my baser self. As I said before, every moment of my life contains the potential for every vice and every virtue, but there is also a choice in each of these moments, and that choice remains mine alone.
With love and hope for all my brothers and sisters, believing and unbelieving,
R.R.K.
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